I had the most interesting day today. Oh yes, I did. After I made some coffee, Mr. Black screamed from his desk (which is less than 10 feet from mine) “GET IN HERE” – I don’t think I will EVER get use to being screamed at like that. E.V.E.R. I meandered into this office and Mr. Black goes into a lengthy explanation that his friend, a very wealthy friend needs a home with a helipad because he’s sick and tired of sitting in traffic. I am too, but not quite sure that my 60 X 100 property can handle a helicopter, note to self: get helipad dimensions. But I digress. Nevertheless, Mr. Black has a bee in his bonnet, he knows of a house that has a helipad – it’s the home that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie rented while filming a movie - the home is valued at 40 million dollars and Mr. Black wants his friend to buy this house, it’s not on the market, but… he wants him to buy it and buy it NOW!
My mission for the day: find the name of the owners of this home. Okay, interesting assignment. I like research, and I love a project that I can sink my teeth into. There was nothing else going on in the office except for the fact that I had to make another pot of coffee, so I got right on it. I got the address, went on a bazillion public record sites, and I just started googling the shit out of this house. I got nowhere. Nowhere. In between my dead-end searches, and making coffee Mr. Black bellowed from this office “ANYTHING? ANYTHING?” – This only heightened my desire to find the information; I was like a puppy trying to please its master. Digging deep I used my research skills from my legal eagle days and pulled some tricks out of my hat. I started making phone calls, and actually worked backwards by finding interesting things about the house to google. I googled the name of the yacht’s, planes, dogs anything associated with the home – this my fine feathered friends uncovered a lot of information more than I really needed to know. I found strip clubs, sex hot lines, phone companies, media companies and some medical companies, actually thousands of corporations tied to this home and at this point I couldn’t even comprehend the depth, and the amount of zero’s associated with this property owner. Like a bloodhound, I kept sniffing around, and kept getting closer and closer to the answer. It was the first time since I began working that I was having fun in this insane asylum.
And then… I got it. I FINALLY found the needle in the hay stack. I felt like Willy Wonka when he found the golden ticket! I was so proud of myself, wagging my tail, golden ticket in my hand. I had the name! I had the name! I couldn’t even believe it. A Name! A Name! I got it! I couldn’t wait to tell Mr. Black but he left the office so I texted him: “The owner of the home is a Kuwaiti billionaire, 10th richest person on the Forbes list”. Immediately I got pinged back: “Get him on the phone, tell him I have a buyer for his home”. WHAT? Really? You want me to call a Kuwaiti billionaire? Seriously? Really? Did I read that right? I checked my phone again, yep, it says to call him. Ummm, okay, I’ll get right on that but if my memory serves me right, it’s a Kuwaiti Billionaire, you’re a Jew - right there there’s a HUGE conflict but besides that getting a Kuwaiti billionaire on the phone is probably as easy as calling the God, it ain’t happening! I mean I have a ton of tricks up my sleeve, but this was out of my reach. The question my friends is does Mr. Black really think I could actually flip through the white pages and find a Kuwaiti billionaire?
HELLO is ANYONE home?
Oy. To. The. Vey.
